4th April 1748
News has just reached us that an attempt has been made this afternoon on the life of General E Pickled of the Gateway Alliance. Early reports suggest that an individual fired a single shot from undergrowth beside the coast road near the village of Calamar (W25). The general, escorted by a substantial number of cavalry, whilst being wounded in the arm, appears to have escaped serious injury and was immediately surrounded by bodyguards who took him swiftly along the road to the east until out of sight of witnesses.
“He didn’t ‘alf yelp!” said Mrs Fems of Mont de Abono Street, 33, unmarried, wearing a blue bonnet and pale blue skirt. “I reckon that gave ‘im a right shock, an’ the feller wot done it got right away, too. Them blokes on ‘orses got in a right tizz lookin’ fer ‘im, but it’s the undergrowth an’ thorn bushes, see, it’s dead thick ‘ere, you could hide a cow an’ it’s field an’ never find it.”
Mrs Fems (widow) continued, “Mind you, it’s good for the village. Not much ‘appens ‘ere and now we can make souvenir mugs and tea towels wiv that fat general’s ‘ead on ’em to flog to posh folk. The landlord of the Pelican’s Bum is already thinkin’ of changin’ its name to “The General’s Arm” an’ you should see the pile of manure they left behind, not all of it from ‘orses, neither. We’ll ‘ave a good crop of cabbages this winter.”
No further reports of the General’s whereabouts have yet come in but, judging by the activity in the east of our country towards the province now known as Kap Ludwig, it is likely that his destination lay thither.